Funnies

• A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?

• A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
  
  The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
  
  My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
  
  Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
  
  He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

• An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
  
  Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
  
  Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
  
  The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
  
  The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
  
  The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

• This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
  
  The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
  
  The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
  
  But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
  
  When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
  
  The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
  
  The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
  
  The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!

• A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."
  
  Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."
  
  With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.

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